The Trouble With Kids

The trouble with children is that they are entirely too smart. Especially small children. Don't let toddlers fool you - behind that cute exterior where they can't tie their shoes or say "elephant" correctly they are hiding a wickedly smart brain. And I do mean wicked.

I believe that children are born with an abundance of smarts, and then during the teenage years they get progressively dumber until adulthood sets in. It's our job as parents to limit the amount of brain cells that fall prey to stupid teenage idiocy, and just hope that we saved enough of them when they go off to college that they won't end up back at home with us after 4 years of "higher learning". This is why toddlers are so smart. Their brains are still jam-packed with all that extra IQ.

For instance, how is it possible that a 3 year-old child who still can't put his pants on the right way can get up in the morning, turn on the TV, pop in a DVD and push play, all by himself? He can't remember how old he is, yet he's memorized the dialogue verbatim to his favorite movie. He can't figure out the physics of a straw, but he sure as heck knows how much TP the toilet can handle in one flush.

And that's just scratching the surface. They are little sponges, soaking up the world around them at an amazing rate. And we as parents (having experienced the teenage years and lost a significant part of our intelligence), come up with the fabulous idea to teach our children to speak. They have no concept of "the right thing to say", and whatever they are thinking just comes out of their mouth. I'll never forget one time I asked my 3 year-old son Aiden what he'd like to drink with his lunch. He answered me, "Ummm...I'll have a beer." What?

Or how about the time I took Aiden to Walmart to pick up a few things. On my list was a box of envelopes, so we make our way to the office supply aisle. I decide on the least expensive ones they have, and hand the box to Aiden to hold.

"These ones?" he says.

"Yeah," I reply, "Mommy's cheap."

We get to the checkout and he hands the clerk his box of envelopes.

"Oh!" she says, "Are these your envelopes?"

He gives her a sweet smile and says, "Yeah, Mommy's cheap."

But the biggest indicator of their intelligence is the fact that they learn manipulation at such a young age. Even my 9 month old son Jack, when caught doing something he's not supposed to do, gives me the world's brightest, sunniest smile in hopes of distracting me from what's going on. Hello! I'm not stupid! Just because you happen to be totally adorable right now does NOT mean that I'm going to let you pour the bag of flour all over the kitchen floor....

He also knows how to get his big brother in trouble, not that Aiden needs much help in that department. If Aiden is in his face or won't leave him alone, Jack will just start crying at the drop of a hat, knowing that either Mommy or Daddy will come in and say, "Aiden! What did you do to your brother?" Aiden, to his credit, also knows how to manipulate. He's figured out that if he pushes Jack over or takes a toy and makes him cry, all he has to do when we enter the room is cover it up by leaning over and giving Jack a big hug and saying, "Sorry Jack! It's okay! Aiden's sorry!!" He thinks I'm not onto him, but I am...I am....

But God, in His wisdom, has helped parents compensate for these super-smart beings He has put in our care. During pregnancy, Mommies develop an invisible pair of eyes on the back of the head, as well as supersonic hearing. We also develop a "Bullsh*t detector". It works wonders on kids AND daddies.

Time to draw this to a close...I can hear my youngest in his crib, attempting to escape....