Trusting My Instincts

I think one of the hardest things about being a Mommy is learning to trust your instincts. For some it comes naturally, and for others it can be extremely difficult to put that baby book down and go with your gut. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. With my first son, I was constantly wondering if I was "doing it right", whatever that meant. Did I do this when I was supposed to, did I do that? I chose to do a lot of things differently than the norm, and though I believed in what I was doing, I had feelings of guilt and often wondered if I was going to end up a complete failure at this parenthood thing. After a while it got easier.

Our son slept with us in the bed for the first year, a decision that I got no end of "advice" about. He'll be in bed with you until he's 5 unless you get him out now...he's going to have attachment issues...it's not good for him, he needs to be separated from you... He's now almost three and a half, has slept in his own bed for 2 years now, and is the most well-adjusted, secure child I've ever met. On his first day of pre-school he waved me out the door, saying, "bye Mom, you go away now." He had a comfort bottle at night until he was 2. Of course, I got a lot of you're going to have a huge fight on your hands since you waited so long, and his teeth are going to be buck. I waited until I felt he was ready to say goodbye to the bottle, and when I took it away, he didn't even blink. I handed him a cup instead and he never once asked me about the bottle. And his teeth look fine to me. These little things and lots of others started to make me feel confident as a mother. Maybe I DID know what I was doing. I was doing things my way, and my child was turning out just fine, despite what all the books were saying. The doctor who delivered my first son told me about something he calls "The Mommy Meter". Basically, if Mommy says something's wrong - then something's wrong. He believed Mommy's instincts over everyone else's, and he was a doctor! I figured, if the Mommy Meter can tell when something's wrong, it should also be able to tell when something's right, right?

Along came my second son, and the change I felt when faced with another newborn was profound. I was confident. I was experienced. I was ready. I didn't worry about every little thing, I didn't memorize the baby books. I let my instincts guide me, and let my baby do the talking. Of course, I still worried about some things - sickness, injuries, SIDS. But I wasn't worried that my lack of knowledge or experience would make me fail as a mother, and I did what felt right for us.

One thing that has never felt right for me is the Cry It Out method of sleep training. I just couldn't do it. I have no problem with a little fussing, and giving them a few minutes to self-soothe, but in the end, I don't let them cry themselves to sleep. It just didn't work for us. With my first son, the time came when I wanted him out of my bed. It just felt like the right time. He wasn't happy about it, and he fussed at first, but after a little bit of crying, soothing, crying, and soothing, he went to sleep on his own, in his own bed, and slept all night. It took about 3 days for it to become routine. I had tried this earlier, when he was younger, and it didn't work. It felt cruel to me, and I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't the right time, I wasn't ready for it, and neither was he. I got no end of people telling me I was doing it wrong. I felt guilty, but I stuck to my guns. When the time finally came, I felt so much better about letting him fuss for a while. It felt right, and it worked for us.

With my second son, that time came a little earlier. In fact - it came tonight. I have been working with him for several months already, with a non-crying method to try and decrease his night wakings. We had successfully gotten down from 7-8 times a night to 2. I decided it was time for him to go to sleep on his own. I felt ready, and I felt that he was ready. I rocked him for a few minutes, gave him his binky and laid him down in his crib. He immediately sat up and watched me wind the mobile, turn off the light and raise the crib bar. He just watched me, not making a sound. I told him to lay down, and I rubbed his back for a minute, and then I said goodnight and walked out. It was a little hard for me to do it, but I didn't stand outside his door and cry like I did with my first son. He fussed intermittently for 3 minutes and then fell asleep. I wasn't shocked, I wasn't surprised, although I sort of felt like I should be. But I wasn't, because I knew the time was right. I let my instincts guide me, and the transition was so much more peaceful for both of us. I know better than to think that one night will set the standard for all the nights to come. I'm sure we'll have some bumps along the way, but now that the first time has been done, and I KNOW that he can go to sleep by himself with minimal fussing, it just reaffirms to me that it's the right time. He can do it, I can do it, and we're on our way to peaceful sleeping. And no offense to all the critics, but I DIDN'T have to let him cry.

I'm no expert. I'll be the first to admit that my sons baffle me on a daily basis, and I'm constantly wondering just what I'm supposed to do about that....But I have confidence that we'll figure it out, and it will all work out in the end, and my kids will not turn out to be mal-adjusted freaks who spend half their lives in therapy talking about their crazy mother.

I, however, will probably need some therapy of my own after raising boys....:-)