Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Or so the saying goes. In my case, I was waiting for Aiden to be potty-trained. My reason for waiting (he's 3.5 years old), was not because I didn't feel he was ready, or because I felt the timing was wrong. No, I mostly waited to potty train my son because I really didn't know the best way to go about it, and to be honest - was more than a little terrified. While I wouldn't say that I was happy with the way things were going (I couldn't WAIT to have one less kid in diapers), I was what you might call comfortable with the state of things. We had our routine, and our routine involved diapers.

I asked Aiden from time to time if he wanted to go on the potty. I was almost always given a pert, "no thanks, I'm busy", or something to that effect. I could have pushed it, but...why? I figured he would go when he was ready, and as long as I kept telling myself that I didn't have to deal with it. According to my doctor, the average age of boys to be potty-trained is between 3.5 and 4, so why rush it?

He started going to preschool, where they required him to be "toilet training" at home, and they would work with him at school. Okay, fine. We're "toilet training". He would occasionally sit on the throne for me, a couple of times he even did his business, but he would never show more than a passing interest. And trust me, when my kid is not interested - he's NOT interested. When he puts his mind to something, you can't move him with a bulldozer. So anyway, I just kind of half-assed it for a while until his teacher told me that he goes regularly at school - every day he's there he uses the potty. Excuse me? He does WHAT? He refuses to do it at home, but at school it's all good?? That got me. The little stinker was playing me. I told myself, if he can do it at school, he can do it at home.

SO, I waited for a week when I had no plans to do anything or go anywhere. I started on a Sunday. I spread blankets and towels and sheets all over the living room. I covered the floor, the couch and anything I didn't want him to pee on. I stuck him in underwear and I told him the diapers were no more, and he HAD to go on the potty, which I put in the middle of the floor. My kid may be stubborn, but he gets at least half of that stubborness from me. I've had almost 30 years to hone my share of it into a lethal instrument, time to show him who's boss, and what it REALLY means to be stubborn. Sunday morning was horrible. He peed everywhere BUT the potty. I made him sit on it every 30 minutes, and he would pee as soon as he got off of it. I was more than a little frustrated, but I'll be damned if a 3 year-old is going to get the best of me. After lunch, the turn-around happened. He started using the potty. He went on it all afternoon, and didn't have another accident until around 7. I was encouraged - maybe he's getting the hang of it and by the end of the week we'll be doing well!!

He woke up Monday morning and I think the light bulb came on. He told me he needed to go and he sat down and went. Wow, I thought...progress! It got better. For the whole rest of the day, he not only used the potty - he used it by himself. He didn't even tell me when he had to go - he just went, and told me afterward so I could flush it. I was in shock. I'm still in shock. He was so proud of himself, and told me that he's a big boy now, he's going on the potty.

I don't know why I was so scared of attempting this. It only took him 2 days to figure it out. While I'm sure that we'll have our share of accidents along the way - he's got the hang of it. In the end, I'm glad I decided to wait, he probably could have done this sooner, but by waiting so long, he was more than ready and just took right to it. There was far less pain involved than I imagined.

I finally have my kid out of diapers for the most part, every parents dream. So why am I just a little bit sad? Could it be that I wasn't really scared of potty-training, I was scared of letting my little boy grow up? My firstborn, the baby I waited so long to have, is truly not a baby anymore. While I am excited and proud of his (and my) accomplishment, it comes a little bittersweet for me.

Trusting My Instincts

I think one of the hardest things about being a Mommy is learning to trust your instincts. For some it comes naturally, and for others it can be extremely difficult to put that baby book down and go with your gut. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. With my first son, I was constantly wondering if I was "doing it right", whatever that meant. Did I do this when I was supposed to, did I do that? I chose to do a lot of things differently than the norm, and though I believed in what I was doing, I had feelings of guilt and often wondered if I was going to end up a complete failure at this parenthood thing. After a while it got easier.

Our son slept with us in the bed for the first year, a decision that I got no end of "advice" about. He'll be in bed with you until he's 5 unless you get him out now...he's going to have attachment issues...it's not good for him, he needs to be separated from you... He's now almost three and a half, has slept in his own bed for 2 years now, and is the most well-adjusted, secure child I've ever met. On his first day of pre-school he waved me out the door, saying, "bye Mom, you go away now." He had a comfort bottle at night until he was 2. Of course, I got a lot of you're going to have a huge fight on your hands since you waited so long, and his teeth are going to be buck. I waited until I felt he was ready to say goodbye to the bottle, and when I took it away, he didn't even blink. I handed him a cup instead and he never once asked me about the bottle. And his teeth look fine to me. These little things and lots of others started to make me feel confident as a mother. Maybe I DID know what I was doing. I was doing things my way, and my child was turning out just fine, despite what all the books were saying. The doctor who delivered my first son told me about something he calls "The Mommy Meter". Basically, if Mommy says something's wrong - then something's wrong. He believed Mommy's instincts over everyone else's, and he was a doctor! I figured, if the Mommy Meter can tell when something's wrong, it should also be able to tell when something's right, right?

Along came my second son, and the change I felt when faced with another newborn was profound. I was confident. I was experienced. I was ready. I didn't worry about every little thing, I didn't memorize the baby books. I let my instincts guide me, and let my baby do the talking. Of course, I still worried about some things - sickness, injuries, SIDS. But I wasn't worried that my lack of knowledge or experience would make me fail as a mother, and I did what felt right for us.

One thing that has never felt right for me is the Cry It Out method of sleep training. I just couldn't do it. I have no problem with a little fussing, and giving them a few minutes to self-soothe, but in the end, I don't let them cry themselves to sleep. It just didn't work for us. With my first son, the time came when I wanted him out of my bed. It just felt like the right time. He wasn't happy about it, and he fussed at first, but after a little bit of crying, soothing, crying, and soothing, he went to sleep on his own, in his own bed, and slept all night. It took about 3 days for it to become routine. I had tried this earlier, when he was younger, and it didn't work. It felt cruel to me, and I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't the right time, I wasn't ready for it, and neither was he. I got no end of people telling me I was doing it wrong. I felt guilty, but I stuck to my guns. When the time finally came, I felt so much better about letting him fuss for a while. It felt right, and it worked for us.

With my second son, that time came a little earlier. In fact - it came tonight. I have been working with him for several months already, with a non-crying method to try and decrease his night wakings. We had successfully gotten down from 7-8 times a night to 2. I decided it was time for him to go to sleep on his own. I felt ready, and I felt that he was ready. I rocked him for a few minutes, gave him his binky and laid him down in his crib. He immediately sat up and watched me wind the mobile, turn off the light and raise the crib bar. He just watched me, not making a sound. I told him to lay down, and I rubbed his back for a minute, and then I said goodnight and walked out. It was a little hard for me to do it, but I didn't stand outside his door and cry like I did with my first son. He fussed intermittently for 3 minutes and then fell asleep. I wasn't shocked, I wasn't surprised, although I sort of felt like I should be. But I wasn't, because I knew the time was right. I let my instincts guide me, and the transition was so much more peaceful for both of us. I know better than to think that one night will set the standard for all the nights to come. I'm sure we'll have some bumps along the way, but now that the first time has been done, and I KNOW that he can go to sleep by himself with minimal fussing, it just reaffirms to me that it's the right time. He can do it, I can do it, and we're on our way to peaceful sleeping. And no offense to all the critics, but I DIDN'T have to let him cry.

I'm no expert. I'll be the first to admit that my sons baffle me on a daily basis, and I'm constantly wondering just what I'm supposed to do about that....But I have confidence that we'll figure it out, and it will all work out in the end, and my kids will not turn out to be mal-adjusted freaks who spend half their lives in therapy talking about their crazy mother.

I, however, will probably need some therapy of my own after raising boys....:-)

Progress

I'm only supposed to track our progress with the Sleep Solution every 10 days, otherwise I'll make myself crazy. BUT, I wanted to share the progress we've made, because it's pretty significant! Last night, Jack slept in his own bed until almost 5 am! And he only woke up once around 1 for about 15 minutes. Can I just say - WOO HOO!! Of course, I woke up every hour to check on him, but that will pass. And I'm sure we will have setbacks, I don't expect him to just suddenly start sleeping all night long, but it's nice to know that he can do it, and that what we are doing is working.

Here's to sleeping!!

The No-Cry Sleep Solution

Jack does not sleep very well at night. He used to, but not anymore. He wakes up an average of 6 times during the night, and can't go back to sleep without my intervention. Needless to say, I'm tired. Most people will tell you to let them cry it out, that it's the only way to teach them how to sleep on their own. But I'm just not wired that way. If it works for you and your family - by all means, more power to you. The Cry-It-Out Method just doesn't work for our family. With that in mind I bought a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley. So far, I'm loving it. It's a big proponent of attachment parenting, which is something we try to practice in our home. It gives many gentle, easy to implement ideas to teach your baby to sleep through the night, and it's full of plain old common sense. So, I am going to attempt "the Pantley Plan". It's not a quick fix, it can take several weeks to see progress, but according to everyone who's attempted this, if you keep at it and have some patience, you WILL see progress. Without hours and hours of crying.

The first step is to complete a Sleep Log, which I did the other night. It helps to see exactly what your child's sleep pattern is, so you can track your progress. Here's how ours looked:

Number of Awakenings: 6
Amount of Awake Time: 1 hour 40 minutes
Amount of Sleep Time: 9 hours
Longest Sleep Span: 2 hours 15 minutes

Now you see why I'm tired all the time??

Now that I can see exactly what I'm working with, we have moved onto Step 2, which is to regulate nap times, which is a big contributer to better night-time sleep. The better they nap, the better they sleep at night. I already knew this, but it can be difficult to ensure they always get good naps. So we are currently working on getting in 2 good naps a day - one around 9:30 and one around 2:30. Pantley says to do anything that works to get your child to nap - the goal is for them to sleep. You can adjust the routine and the method later, once they are sleeping better and have set their little body clocks. Makes sense to me. I got Jack to sleep today at 10:00 (which is better than his normal nap time of 11:00 - and then he only takes one nap a day), so we are seeing a little progress already.

I've taken several of her ideas, the ones I think will work best for our family and sleeping arrangement, and started to implement them. One is the use of key words to signal that it's sleepy time. It takes a week or two for it to start to have an effect she says, but if you keep at it, eventally they will start associating your key words with sleep, and then you can use those words to help calm them down and get them back to sleep. I've also started the Gentle Removal Plan, to help Jack fall asleep without eating, as he does now. This involves slowly taking away the bottle or breast as he falls asleep, the time getting shorter and shorter each time. If he cries, give it back, and just keep trying until he accepts the change, which according to Pantley, he eventually will. Again, it takes time, but I'd rather have it take longer and use a gentle and loving approach than just let him scream it out.

I'm supposed to implement these ideas, and then do it for 10 days. At the end of the 10 days, I will do another sleep log, to track progress. Then you re-evaluate your approach, decide if you feel it's working and change as necessary. Then another 10 days, and so on. After a few weeks, we should see some better, longer sleep! The trick is for me to be patient, and not give up on him!

Wish us luck!!

The Trouble With Kids

The trouble with children is that they are entirely too smart. Especially small children. Don't let toddlers fool you - behind that cute exterior where they can't tie their shoes or say "elephant" correctly they are hiding a wickedly smart brain. And I do mean wicked.

I believe that children are born with an abundance of smarts, and then during the teenage years they get progressively dumber until adulthood sets in. It's our job as parents to limit the amount of brain cells that fall prey to stupid teenage idiocy, and just hope that we saved enough of them when they go off to college that they won't end up back at home with us after 4 years of "higher learning". This is why toddlers are so smart. Their brains are still jam-packed with all that extra IQ.

For instance, how is it possible that a 3 year-old child who still can't put his pants on the right way can get up in the morning, turn on the TV, pop in a DVD and push play, all by himself? He can't remember how old he is, yet he's memorized the dialogue verbatim to his favorite movie. He can't figure out the physics of a straw, but he sure as heck knows how much TP the toilet can handle in one flush.

And that's just scratching the surface. They are little sponges, soaking up the world around them at an amazing rate. And we as parents (having experienced the teenage years and lost a significant part of our intelligence), come up with the fabulous idea to teach our children to speak. They have no concept of "the right thing to say", and whatever they are thinking just comes out of their mouth. I'll never forget one time I asked my 3 year-old son Aiden what he'd like to drink with his lunch. He answered me, "Ummm...I'll have a beer." What?

Or how about the time I took Aiden to Walmart to pick up a few things. On my list was a box of envelopes, so we make our way to the office supply aisle. I decide on the least expensive ones they have, and hand the box to Aiden to hold.

"These ones?" he says.

"Yeah," I reply, "Mommy's cheap."

We get to the checkout and he hands the clerk his box of envelopes.

"Oh!" she says, "Are these your envelopes?"

He gives her a sweet smile and says, "Yeah, Mommy's cheap."

But the biggest indicator of their intelligence is the fact that they learn manipulation at such a young age. Even my 9 month old son Jack, when caught doing something he's not supposed to do, gives me the world's brightest, sunniest smile in hopes of distracting me from what's going on. Hello! I'm not stupid! Just because you happen to be totally adorable right now does NOT mean that I'm going to let you pour the bag of flour all over the kitchen floor....

He also knows how to get his big brother in trouble, not that Aiden needs much help in that department. If Aiden is in his face or won't leave him alone, Jack will just start crying at the drop of a hat, knowing that either Mommy or Daddy will come in and say, "Aiden! What did you do to your brother?" Aiden, to his credit, also knows how to manipulate. He's figured out that if he pushes Jack over or takes a toy and makes him cry, all he has to do when we enter the room is cover it up by leaning over and giving Jack a big hug and saying, "Sorry Jack! It's okay! Aiden's sorry!!" He thinks I'm not onto him, but I am...I am....

But God, in His wisdom, has helped parents compensate for these super-smart beings He has put in our care. During pregnancy, Mommies develop an invisible pair of eyes on the back of the head, as well as supersonic hearing. We also develop a "Bullsh*t detector". It works wonders on kids AND daddies.

Time to draw this to a close...I can hear my youngest in his crib, attempting to escape....

Bummer...

I've decided to wait on the potty training with Aiden. It will still be available if he wants to try, but I'm not going to push it. Chris and I talked and I think we are going to wait until we move to try again, that way he'll be a little older and Chris will be home to help me. I think it might have been too much to try it right now with everything else that I have to do right now! And hopefully if we wait until he's almost 3, it will go quickly!

Day Three

Well, yesterday he only allowed me to put him on the potty one time, and he didn't go. As much as I was looking forward to him being out of diapers, I just don't think he's ready for this yet. Even when he does go, he'll go again in his pants 5 minutes later, I don't think he understands the concept of going completely on the potty. He's like a dog, a little here, a little there...it's very frustrating to have him go on the potty and still wet himself 5 minutes later! It was like that all day the first day, and now he wants nothing to do with it. So I guess we wait.... :-(